Sometimes, you just never know who's watching
by 80sarcades
Summary: Q ruins Major Hochstetter's moment of victory. Hogan's Heroes / Star Trek crossover


Sometimes, you just never know who's watching…  
by 80sarcades

WARNING: While this story is a Hogan's Heroes / Star Trek crossover, it does contain Gay stereotypes (no slash! none!) done as a silly parody. Basically, a different type of Q is interested in Major Hochstetter. You've been warned.

Disclaimer: If I owned Hogan's Heroes or Star Trek, do you think I would be driving a Ford Focus?

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The Gestapo Major, pistol in hand, looked down at the American Colonel with a evil gleam in his eyes.

"I've finally got you where I want you, Hogan. On your knees, where you belong…" Wolfgang Hochstetter crowed, enjoying the sight. He kept his weapon casually trained on the man before him, waiting for him to make a wrong move.

Colonel Robert Hogan, USAAC, looked up and flashed a trademark grin at the Gestapo man even as he ignored the pain from overly tight handcuffs. Beside him were his men -- Carter, Kinchloe, LeBeau, and Newkirk -- who were sharing the same pain, much less the same fate, as their commanding officer. Hogan looked up at his tormentor.

"Funny, Hochstetter. Never knew you liked your guys that way," he quipped.

THAT remark earned him a blow from Hochstetter's fist at it slammed across his jawbone. His men looked on with concern and worry. Newkirk, true to form, broke his silence.

"You bloody Kraut," he snarled. "I--"

He was cut off as Hochstetter's booted foot slammed into his stomach, causing him to fall forward in agony. Only the handcuffs and the sight of the six men on the other side of the room -- an execution guard -- stopped the others.

"You really should learn respect for your betters, Englander," the Gestapo man muttered as he walked around the man. "Of course, you really won't have to worry about manners in Hell, will you?" He motioned for a guard to put the man back on his knees. Turning to Hogan, he asked, "So, Hogan…any last requests?"

"How about your head on a platter?" Hogan's voice was cheerful even as he faced death. "Why don't you get on with it, Hochstetter. I've got better things to do, like haunt you for the rest of your miserable life."

Hochstetter smirked. "I don't believe you'll be doing anything else but burning in Hell, Hogan. So let's send you there." Turning to the squad, he barked an order and watched as the men raised their rifles, aiming them at the prisoners. The Gestapo Major moved out of the way to watch before he caught Hogan's eye; he waved the pistol in the air.

"Don't worry, Hogan. I'll make sure you get your final reward afterward. Your _coupe de grace_, so to speak, " he said. Hochstetter raised the index finger of his left hand to his head and made a 'shooting' motion. The intention, of course, was clear as he smiled in malicious glee.

The Colonel looked away; instead, he stared at the wall behind the firing squad. "I'm sorry, guys," Hogan murmured to the rest of his men. "It's been an honor…"

His voice choked up on the last words. If only he hadn't listened to that woman…but it was too late for regrets.

Beside him, his men had similar thoughts; however, none of them blamed the Colonel. They were doing what they wanted to do and they knew the consequences of failure. "Same here, Guv'nor," Newkirk mumured. "Never had any regrets."

"Me, too, Colonel." Carter's voice was unnaturally emotionless as he stared at the cold muzzles of the rifles that would bring him death. LeBeau and Kinchloe had similar thoughts, yet merely nodded their heads in agreement. They were loyal to the end. Literally.

"Ready…Aim…" Hochstetter's voice rang out with cold, cruel finality. Hogan closed his eyes…

"CUT!"

The word came from the doorway. Hogan and his men opened their eyes as Hochstetter turned around.

A Luftwaffe General -- complete with riding crop -- stood in the doorway. The gold on his collar tabs, Hogan thought distractedly, brightened up the otherwise dismal dungeon.

The Gestapo Major quickly holstered his pistol before he threw a stiff salute to the General; the senior officer returned it with a casual wave of his hand. He then watched as the General pranced -- not walked, pranced -- into the room before standing before Hochstetter. The new arrival glanced over at Hogan and his men for a moment.

"Oh, no, this will never do," the General said in a lispy voice. "This just isn't supposed to happen."

"What…what are you talking about, General?" Hochstetter asked, confused.

"Oh, these darlings are not supposed to die. They're supposed to lead you around by the nose for the next four seasons. Instead, they get caught? No, no, no," the General said in the same lispy -- some would say effeminate -- voice. Hochstetter gave the man a confused look, then nervously cleared his throat.

"Uh, General…these men are saboteurs. They've done enormous damage to the Fatherland, and for that they must die! I have permission from the Fuhrer himself to shoot these men! May I ask to see YOUR orders, General?" Hochstetter demanded.

"Oh, I don't have any orders, Wolfgang," the General responded. "I am, as always, Q."

"Q?" Hochstetter parroted, confused.

"Q," the man confirmed, waving his right hand in the air.

"BAH!" Hochstetter exclaimed, exasperated. He turned to the squad and spat out an order.

"Open fire!"

Hogan, who had been watching the exchange, didn't close his eyes this time. He saw the execution squad raise their weapons again…then depress the triggers…

Instead of fire and noise, the muzzles of the rifles spat out…flowers. Red roses, to be exact. The General looked pleased.

"Nice flower, don't you think? Does convey an expression of love so well, but I personally prefer lilies myself."

"What is going on here?!" the Gestapo Major screamed in frustration.

"I've told you: these men aren't supposed to die. Really would put a crimp in the whole series, you know. I mean, they haven't done _The Crittendon Plan_ yet! Not to mention the classic _Sticky Wicket Newkirk_, of course," the General exclaimed, waving his hand in the air. "I have all of them on DVD…"

Hogan and his men, meanwhile, watched the exchange with fascination. Judging by the look on Hochstetter's face, it seemed that the Gestapo Major couldn't make up his mind whether to salute the General or shoot him. Newkirk, however, made a face.

"Do you get the idea that the General is a little light on his feet?" he asked in a low voice.

Hogan snorted. "If he was any lighter on his feet, he'd be a fairy."

Surprising them both, the General turned to them with a delighted expression on his face. "A fairy? I can be one of those, too!" he declared happily.

With a bright flash of white light the senior officer disappeared; in his place a small figure with white translucent wings fluttered in the air before the startled group of men. Jaws dropped. So did the rifles.

"What do you think of me now?" said a tiny voice from the figure as it fluttered in front of Hochstetter's face.

The Gestapo major lost it then. Screaming in rage, he pulled his pistol out and fired at the fairy, who moved quickly out of the way of each shot. Ricochets dinged around the room as everyone else, Germans or not, dove for cover while the sounds -- magnified by the walls -- caused ears to ring.

Suddenly, the pistol in Hochstetter's hand vanished and was replaced by a bouquet of flowers. As the Major blinked in surprise, there was another flash of white light. The General reappeared and deftly took the flowers from Hochstetter's hand. For a moment, it looked like he was going to swoon, but didn't.

"Oh, Wolfgang," he said softly, looking at Hochstetter. "You didn't! They're so lovely; I had no idea!" the man gushed. "Perhaps we should have some alone time, don't you think?"

Hochstetter looked at the General -- whoever he was -- in mounting horror before Q spoke again, this time in a sexier voice.

"Of course, you can call me Q, darling. As for everyone else…" Q looked at other people in the room. "You can go."

With a wave of his hand, the execution squad disappeared. Q turned to Colonel Hogan and his men.

"Have fun, darlings! Do remember to return to camp, won't you?"

Before Hogan could say anything, his world went black.

***

Hogan tried to calm his heart as he looked at the surrounding woods. He stared at his wrists -- _where the hell did the handcuffs go?_ -- and rubbed them reflexively as his men did the same thing. Their weapons lay on the ground before them; the Colonel picked his .45 up. Glancing at his watch -- which had also reappeared magically -- he saw it was 2230.

If he didn't know better, he'd swear that they were repeating the night that they had been caught. Only they hadn't been caught. Not yet.

_Time travel? Fairies? What the hell is going on? _Hogan wondered.

Then again, he wasn't sure he wanted to know. Beside him, Newkirk finally found his voice as they staggered to their feet.

"What the hell just happened, Colonel?"

Hogan couldn't think of anything to say. Just then, a shot rang out through the woods. Then another. Blood pounded through the Colonel's ears as he cocked his pistol, searching the moonlit darkness for the enemy…

Nothing happened. Another shot, this one closer, echoed through the trees along with a voice. A German one, screaming.

"NO! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Another shot cracked the night air as they recognized Hochstetter's panicked voice. Just then the man tore past them; he didn't even seem to recognize the Allied airmen as he ran by at full tilt. Hogan's men ducked as Hochstetter whirled around and pulled the trigger on an unseen target; the gun _clicked_ on an empty chamber. He cursed as he tried to eject the spent magazine, then slammed another one home before firing again. Turning again, he ran deeper into the woods.

The Gestapo Major's screaming faded into the darkness.

"What's got him so upset?" Hogan mused…then he saw the answer.

Q -- still in Luftwaffe uniform -- hopped along effortlessly after Hochstetter, a dreamy smile on his face. Pausing for a moment, he looked at the men with a evil grin.

"I do so love a man who plays hard to get," he lisped before hopping off into the darkness. "Yoo, hoo," he called in a loud voice. "Come back, Wolfgang darling…"

The man disappeared into the darkness, leaving only the occasional gunshot -- this one distant -- to be heard. Hogan, meanwhile, looked at his men.

"No one says a word about this. Understand?" He looked at each man and received vigorous nods in return. He shook his head. "No one would believe it anyway." He paused, chuckling.

For a moment, he actually felt sorry for the Gestapo Major. Just for a moment. He looked at his men again.

"Come on," he ordered. "Let's get back to camp."

[fin/ende]

A/N: USAAC = United States Army Air Corps. Q, of course, comes from Star Trek as the omnipotent being with an ego…a different Q in this case. Of course, this one has very bad taste in dates.

While I apologize if anyone was offended, the thought of a gay Q turning Hochstetter's moment of triumph into a nightmare was amusing. I can just see Q doing his 'Pepe Le Pew' imitation as he runs after Hochstetter. Poor Wolfgang...

Reviews, of course, are appreciated; I hope you enjoyed it!


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